Thursday, December 28, 2006
Ex-Boyfriends
I wrote a nice long post with loads of links in it a couple days ago, got distracted while on one of the links and then proceeded to shut down my computer without saving my post. I am a retard and I really don't feel like trying to re-create it, so I'm doing this instead! This post prompted me to "borrow" the idea and make a list of my own. Thanks, Drivl!
13 Things Ex-Boyfriends Have Said to Me, Translated into What They Actually Meant-
The sociopathic older boyfriend:
BF: My credit stinks because I had tons of student loans I couldn't get paid off.
Translation: I am an irresponsible loser and I have everyone fooled! Too bad you'll never know where my money actually goes.
BF: I'll stop smoking since I know you hate it.
Translation: I'll stop smoking in front of you, and pray your friends don't see me smoking in my car after lying about it.
BF: I DID pay on that note you co-signed for. Their records must be screwed up.
Translation: Hey! Check out the forged documents I'm faxing over to try to stretch one more inch out of my web of lies.
BF: I have a ring for you on layaway.
Translation: Sucker.
BF: You're the girl I'm going to marry someday.
Translation: I'm so completely self-absorbed it never occurred to me that one day you might possibly see through my total bullshit.
Cheesy Disc Jockey Boyfriend:
BF: Lots of people come out to see me at live remotes.
Translation: Why aren't YOU fawning over me? Don't you know WHO I AM??
BF: Why are you naked? Aren't we going to lunch?
Translation: I'm a whiny baby who fears real intimacy, plus I'm really just too freakin' lazy to have sex.
BF: What, are you oversexed or something?
Translation: Break up with me.
BF: I almost drowned as a child.
Translation: I fell in the pool and was quickly yanked out. I am now a whiny drama queen who seeks sympathy and approval like it was the Holy Grail. And I suck.
Psychologist Boyfriend in the Profession to Help Himself
BF: No, I'm not hiding a family of Haitians in my basement, I just never ask anyone over.
Translation: I still live with my last girlfriend and want to have my cake and eat it too.
BF: You're upset about your mother, who is terminal? Well, can't you talk to your sister about it or something?
Translation: Kick me in the nuts, and then break up with me.
BF: I don't want you to break up with me.
Translation: Because then I'll probably just start sleeping with my "ex" girlfriend again.
BF: I can explain.
Translation: I can't explain.
I wrote a nice long post with loads of links in it a couple days ago, got distracted while on one of the links and then proceeded to shut down my computer without saving my post. I am a retard and I really don't feel like trying to re-create it, so I'm doing this instead! This post prompted me to "borrow" the idea and make a list of my own. Thanks, Drivl!
13 Things Ex-Boyfriends Have Said to Me, Translated into What They Actually Meant-
The sociopathic older boyfriend:
BF: My credit stinks because I had tons of student loans I couldn't get paid off.
Translation: I am an irresponsible loser and I have everyone fooled! Too bad you'll never know where my money actually goes.
BF: I'll stop smoking since I know you hate it.
Translation: I'll stop smoking in front of you, and pray your friends don't see me smoking in my car after lying about it.
BF: I DID pay on that note you co-signed for. Their records must be screwed up.
Translation: Hey! Check out the forged documents I'm faxing over to try to stretch one more inch out of my web of lies.
BF: I have a ring for you on layaway.
Translation: Sucker.
BF: You're the girl I'm going to marry someday.
Translation: I'm so completely self-absorbed it never occurred to me that one day you might possibly see through my total bullshit.
Cheesy Disc Jockey Boyfriend:
BF: Lots of people come out to see me at live remotes.
Translation: Why aren't YOU fawning over me? Don't you know WHO I AM??
BF: Why are you naked? Aren't we going to lunch?
Translation: I'm a whiny baby who fears real intimacy, plus I'm really just too freakin' lazy to have sex.
BF: What, are you oversexed or something?
Translation: Break up with me.
BF: I almost drowned as a child.
Translation: I fell in the pool and was quickly yanked out. I am now a whiny drama queen who seeks sympathy and approval like it was the Holy Grail. And I suck.
Psychologist Boyfriend in the Profession to Help Himself
BF: No, I'm not hiding a family of Haitians in my basement, I just never ask anyone over.
Translation: I still live with my last girlfriend and want to have my cake and eat it too.
BF: You're upset about your mother, who is terminal? Well, can't you talk to your sister about it or something?
Translation: Kick me in the nuts, and then break up with me.
BF: I don't want you to break up with me.
Translation: Because then I'll probably just start sleeping with my "ex" girlfriend again.
BF: I can explain.
Translation: I can't explain.
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