Thursday, December 28, 2006


I wrote a nice long post with loads of links in it a couple days ago, got distracted while on one of the links and then proceeded to shut down my computer without saving my post. I am a retard and I really don't feel like trying to re-create it, so I'm doing this instead! This post prompted me to "borrow" the idea and make a list of my own. Thanks, Drivl!

13 Things Ex-Boyfriends Have Said to Me, Translated into What They Actually Meant-

The sociopathic older boyfriend:

BF: My credit stinks because I had tons of student loans I couldn't get paid off.
Translation: I am an irresponsible loser and I have everyone fooled! Too bad you'll never know where my money actually goes.

BF: I'll stop smoking since I know you hate it.
Translation: I'll stop smoking in front of you, and pray your friends don't see me smoking in my car after lying about it.

BF: I DID pay on that note you co-signed for. Their records must be screwed up.
Translation: Hey! Check out the forged documents I'm faxing over to try to stretch one more inch out of my web of lies.

BF: I have a ring for you on layaway.
Translation: Sucker.

BF: You're the girl I'm going to marry someday.
Translation: I'm so completely self-absorbed it never occurred to me that one day you might possibly see through my total bullshit.

Cheesy Disc Jockey Boyfriend:

BF: Lots of people come out to see me at live remotes.
Translation: Why aren't YOU fawning over me? Don't you know WHO I AM??

BF: Why are you naked? Aren't we going to lunch?
Translation: I'm a whiny baby who fears real intimacy, plus I'm really just too freakin' lazy to have sex.

BF: What, are you oversexed or something?
Translation: Break up with me.

BF: I almost drowned as a child.
Translation: I fell in the pool and was quickly yanked out. I am now a whiny drama queen who seeks sympathy and approval like it was the Holy Grail. And I suck.

Psychologist Boyfriend in the Profession to Help Himself

BF: No, I'm not hiding a family of Haitians in my basement, I just never ask anyone over.
Translation: I still live with my last girlfriend and want to have my cake and eat it too.

BF: You're upset about your mother, who is terminal? Well, can't you talk to your sister about it or something?
Translation: Kick me in the nuts, and then break up with me.

BF: I don't want you to break up with me.
Translation: Because then I'll probably just start sleeping with my "ex" girlfriend again.

BF: I can explain.
Translation: I can't explain.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

No Cucumber for Me, Either!

This picture on Ugly Overload prompted me to write about what not to do while scuba diving in Jamaica. Or anywhere, for that matter.

I was following the dive master pretty closely while diving last month, and I saw him pick up a big squishy looking thing from the ocean floor. It was a sea cucumber. He put it back down and moved on. So what do I do? Well, I just swam on over and picked it up too. If the dive master jumped off a bridge, I guess I should follow him over.

Actually, it was all good until about 2 days after I returned home. I noticed that my hand was itching pretty badly. The next day the whole side of my hand was swollen, lumpy and itching. Also, two finger tips on my other hand were having the same reaction. After surfing the web extensively for what could be wrong with my hand (cow itch? jellyfish? starfish?) it dawned on me that I had handled the sea cucumber. I had no idea they were poisonous/stinging/evil. Well, they are. So that whole "don't mess with the flora and fauna while you're diving" thing wasn't just a mere suggestion...it's a really good freakin' idea!

It's been about 5 weeks, and those areas on my hands are still not 100% healed. I can't believe it's taking so long! About 8 or 9 days into the inflammation, I THINK that little microscopic short black hair-like things were being pushed out of my skin during the night. It kind of looked like lint fibers, but I only saw them on the surface of my skin where the wound was. Weird. I couldn't find anything on the internet about the types of injuries that sea cucumbers can inflict, so maybe this post will help the next dumb S.O.B. that does what I did! Live and learn. Happy diving...and please don't hassle the cucumbers!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Decor-fest 2006 Year-End Wrap Up

Why, oh why, when I have 866,512 other things to do, do I decide I need to trade my own spaces? I think being under pressure gets my creative juices flowing. Rather than using said juices to get my actual priorities in order, I like to blow things off and just do other stuff instead. Like my bathroom. And basement. And plan my master bath. Garrrrr.

This past weekend I busted my ass re-doing my guest bathroom. It has been beige, and boring and uninspired for, oh, 6 years or so. As it turns out, I just needed to wait six years for inspiration to strike. It's a tiny room with a stand-up corner shower (I call it my mother-in-law bathroom). My husband was afraid of my concept, but as usual, he was thrilled with the end result. I painted the 8' knock down ceiling deep ruby red, and then worked a thin brown glaze into the crevices. The walls are very dark brown (Turkish Coffee, to be exact). The wood cabinets are now white, and we put up a wide crown molding. I also replaced all the hardware including my towel bar and T.P. holder. I got a lovely magnolia painting for the wall. I still need a few other decor items, but it's done for the most part. Yeahhh! New bathroom!

My husband I are re-working our basement/bar layout in order to accommodate a flat-panel TV and an electric fireplace. He asks for my opinions, but that one is his baby! I also semi-stole an idea from my sister regarding bathroom decor. She's re-doing one of her bathrooms and had ordered some tile samples. One that she's not using caught my eye, so I think I'll order a bunch of it to put on a couple of walls in my master bath which is already mint green and periwinkle blue. My own private spa! Aaaah. My husband was thrilled there was no painting involved with that plan, but did go on to say "I will not be doing any grouting". Well...OK then.

I don't know why, but it is very satisfying to imagine a project and then see it realized. Well, that's the decor wrap up for '06. Much more to come in '07!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Flesh Poking Fun!

We made the leap yesterday. My six year old daughter got her ears pierced! I told her once we got there, there was no going back. It wasn't until the Claire's girl marked dots on her ears that we realized her lobes are asymmetrical. Weird. Anyway, it all went off without a hitch! She reported that it "didn't even hurt a bit" and is very excited. We let her choose a few earrings to wear after her six week healing time was complete. I think her grandma and papa are planning on picking up some real diamond earrings for her for Christmas. I urged them to go as cheaply as possible. Unfortunately for me, diamond happens to be her birthsone, but fortunately for me, her grandma likes to shop AND buy diamonds!

To be perfectly honest, I really debated on what the "right" age is to get your ears pierced. My mother had some bizarre notion that it was mutilation on some level, and made my sister and I wait until be were teenagers (she didn't get her ears pierced until she was over 40!). Boy, you should have seen her face when she first spied my navel piercing!

I'm not a big fan of the trend of getting your tiny baby's ears pierced, but when they're old enough to express the desire, and do a bit of the ear-care themselves, then why not? I dare say that earrings are not a "trend" that will be going away...ever. My little girl is growing up! And by golly, she's a pretty darn good egg.

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