Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Holy Schnikes!

This time next week I will have and be responsible for a BABY! Oh..my...God. Sorry....just suffered a reality check.

Monday, February 21, 2005

It's the final countdown

And the last you'll have to hear me bitch about "general" pregnancy discomfort! Post-delivery problems will be a different story. Anyway, I went to see my doc last week. I am dilated to a "1" and 60% effaced (which means thinned-out), so progress is being made. My doctor was kind enough to offer brilliant advice while I was there. "There are two things you can do if you want to speed things along: walking and sex." I was all "Um, no...and NO!" I can hardly get off the couch to go to the bathroom OR put my own socks on...so those two options seemed ridiculous. My husband said he'd be happy to take one for the team. Oh, honey...you're the BEST! One alarming thing was that my doctor's giant mitt made me bleed by the time I got home, which made me a bit nervous. The nurse on the phone assured me this was normal.

Of course you can traipse around at a "one" forever, so it doesn't mean anything except that my doctor says that it will make me easier to induce. Sooo...ONE WEEK from today is the magic day. Call time....SIX A.M.!!! Oh, and don't eat anything after midnight (yeah...that's gonna happen). If I have to push a watermelon out of my body later in the afternoon, I think I'm gonna need an energy snack at FIVE A.M. before the show begins.

I'm not even going to attempt to detail my daily discomfort now, because it seems redundant. Everything I've already complained about is magnified about six times from when I last mentioned it. I'm seeing my chiropractor and massage therapist later this week to get everything in line. My mother-in-law arrives Saturday to help out with my daughter. Other than that...sitting on my wide load watching TIVO, watching the hours tick by. I'll let you know if anything changes!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Metaphor for Parenthood

Last weekend we made an impromptu trip to a nearby Japanese Steak House. No one felt like cooking and it's one of my daughter's favorite places. She calls it "cooking by me". She was very excited when we told her we were going. My husband had not given her a snack while I was napping that day, so she'd gone hours and hours without eating. When she started whining about her stomach hurting at the table, I figured that was the reason. She was just overly-hungry. After being seated at our table for about an hour with no sign of the chef in sight, I finally took my daughter into the lobby, because I feared her incessant whining was going to start bothering our table mates. I told my husband to come and get us when the food came. By the time I threw in the towel and left the table, I was more than a little annoyed. My daughter's whining had gotten on my last nerve so I was being pretty short with her. I told her I was disappointed with her behavior. Then, while she was resting her head on my shoulder, she barfed EVERYWHERE. All over my pants, shirt and the chair we were sitting on. I've never been barfed on before. Oh...my....God! So into the bathroom we rush, where we run into several girls decked out in prom attire. The Prom Night Barbies are hogging up the stalls, so over to the sink, where the geysering continued. Over, and over and over. I just gave a nervous smile to the fancy girls and said "sorry, ladies.." They were all like "Awwwww...". So then after I dredged the sink out with about 20 papertowels (ewwwww!) I waddled back to the table and told my husband (who was oblivious to all this) to pay for our drinks. We have to go...NOW!

I was wearing a tank top with a blouse over it, so before we left the restaurant, I peeled off my chunky, soaked blouse and put my coat on over the tank. Then, in the car, realizing I had no receptacle for additional barfing, gave her the blouse. "If you're gonna spew...spew in this". Which she did. Of course I felt like "Mother of the Year" for dismissing her stomach complaints and even chastising her for her behavior, but she had cried wolf before.

At the steakhouse I had ordered the Filet Mignon. They have a killer one there. On the way home, however, my husband and I settled for greasy hamburgers from the drive-thru. And even then we had to pop all of that into the oven at home so we could peel off all of the barfed on clothes, get in jammies and root out the Pepto (which came right back up). So after a rough night and puny next day, she ended up being a-ok. But upon reflection, I see the parenting metaphor in last weekend's events. Sometimes you want the filet, but you get the greasy, reheated hamburger instead.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Wrong on every level!

Has anyone seen the commercial for Popcorn Shrimp at Dairy Queen? It's so disturbing, I don't think I'll ever be the same again. In case you haven't been unlucky enough to catch it, it goes a little something like this: Two cartoon shrimp are enjoying an under-sea snack, when all of a sudden the male shrimp says "Wait a minute! This isn't POPCORN! It's POPCORN SHRIMP!!! AHHHHH!" And if that's not bad enough, then the female shrimp says "Oh my gosh...where are the kids!?! Ahhhhh!" Oh...my...God. My husband and I literally stopped in our tracks, looked at each other and said "What the f**k!?!" Who does this commercial appeal to? Cannibals? Kids who pull the wings off of flies? Geeeez! Nevermind that I wouldn't eat any kind of shrimp on a bet (my personal policy is to eat nothing with an exoskeleton), but even those who LOVE shrimp (my husband for example) have no choice but to be thoroughly repulsed by this weak attempt at humor. Ewwwwww!

A close second in disturbing commercials is the Chips Ahoy commercial where the cookie is sitting happily at a birthday party table wearing a party hat asking "Where's the cake"? And the wicked, souless little girl next to him replies in a creepy voice, "We aren't having cake". The cookie then looks rightfully concerned. Poor cookie! He's all in party mode only to find out he's about to be butchered and devoured by these evil children. Let's save the anthropomorphic qualities for things like scrubbing bubbles and drain cleaners...not our kids afternoon snacks. Am I alone in this? Is it just me? I guess since I ran screaming from the advertising industry years ago I can only now sit on the sidelines and pass judgment. Hey, wait...that's WAY more fun than actually being responsible for the content. Pass the remote, please.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Boy Parts

I guess since I'm having a boy, I need to start mentally preparing to deal with "boy parts". I've never even so much as changed a baby boy's diaper. So needless to say it made me break out in a cold sweat when my sonogram tech located said boy parts and exclaimed how BIG they were! And LOOK! it looks like he has a little erection! AHHHHHHH! I'm not even ready to deal with that AFTER he's born...much less before. Since my husband had to miss the appointment due to his work schedule, I asked her for a picture of the "event" for my husband. I know he will predictably say "That's my boy!" and then go and show all of his friends. I know it's a guy thing, but I'm traumatized nonetheless. I know based on conversations with friends who have boys, that they have a special relationship with their private parts. Even though I am destined to one day be confronted with this head-on (no pun intended), I fully intend to make my husband handle these matters, making sure we can establish early on that this "special relationship" must be conducted in private, and not at the playland at the mall. You get the idea.

So even though I've been having a ton of pressure, my cervix seems to not notice and has not started to budge yet. I'm a hair disappointed...I just had a feeling I had started to progress to the next phase. Just wishful thinking on my part as it turns out. However, according to the ultrasound, the baby is approximately 6 pounds 9 ounces, which is a little less than a pound more than my daughter weighed when she was born (she was 5-14). The verdict? EIGHTEEN more days to go. We're looking at Monday February 28th as d-day for a possible induction. My doc will make the call for sure next week. In the meantime, I'll continue to haul my hugeness around uncomfortably. Sigh.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Bored Already?

No, but I can see the potential for stifling boredom with this "bedrest" thing. I really feel sorry for those women who are on true restrictive bedrest for months on end. It's hard to do nothing when you don't FEEL sick...bed is boring unless you're sleeping! I have a couple different books to start on to pass the time. One of my friends gave me "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy. It's about her pregnancy experience. It's a fun book because she's so blunt...but the book itself is not terribly funny. It's sort of nice to hear that a former playmate topped out at 182 during her pregnancy, though! Misery loves company.

Anyway, I had a lovely shower on Saturday. I met bunches of my friends at a Macaroni Grill and we had a nice lunch (I ate a TON!), cake and gifts. Everything I received was just delightful! I was thrilled to be thrown another shower. With a five-year age difference between kiddos, you really do need some new stuff. Plus, I've gotten loads of hand-me-downs from friends. Boy does that ever help! So now it's just a waiting game. I'm hoping to know more on Thursday after my scan (and no, my appointment is NOT with Susie McDumb Bitch...yeah!) So we'll see how it goes. Lunch with my boss tomorrow, so wish me luck!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

I Love My Doctor!

Because I am now on Pregnancy Leave! Yipeee! I saw my doctor on Thursday and was REALLY looking forward to it. Even though it's not my usual M.O., this late in the pregnancy game, I need my hand held a little bit, and my doctor (as busy as he is) is really the best one for this. He is so sympathetic and pro-active. I love him to death and am SO glad I have him for my doctor. When I hear about other people's doctor's who have crappy bedside manner, or made them suffer in some manner I am always stunned.

My doctor is a great big Italian guy who looks like a big teddy bear. He always gives you a big hug (and, no, it's never creepy!) and makes you feel like you're his only patient. He's consistently voted best in the city in local magazine surveys and has even been voted best in the country...and rightly so! So, to sum it up...I'm lucky.

Anywho, he's having me come in next week to be scanned to check the baby's size and give a little how-do-ya-do to my cervix. I reminded him how my daughter, at 38 weeks, weighed less than six pounds, and she BARELY came out. Vacuum, forceps...the whole nine yards. He says if THIS baby is very much bigger than that "I won't make you go through all that", which obviously means surgery. Ever since he said this, I've been warming up to this idea. It never really crossed my mind before. I don't want to downplay major abdominal surgery, but let me just say that giving birth is NO FUN! I've had the "birthing experience" and perhaps that's best left for the lower animals. Who knows....the whole thing just hangs in the hands of fate, but I will not be one of those women who's "devastated" if a c-section is in the cards. At least all of my "parts" could be allowed to remain intact.

So there's my baby update. I'll know more next week after we see baby's size. I anticipate being scheduled to come in one way or the other either the last weekend of this month or the first weekend of March. I'll let ya know! Gotta go get ready for my fab-o shower this afternoon! I love presents!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

And now for a brief "awwww"

In honor of Valentine's Day, here are the two cutest heart-felt phrases my daughter has been using lately:

-"I love you with ALL my heart and soul"

-"I'll never give up on loving you!"

I know...I only think it's cute because it's being said to me, but gosh-darn-it!

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